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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897242">Sad boy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunmama127/pseuds/Kunmama127'>Kunmama127</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:54:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,422</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897242</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunmama127/pseuds/Kunmama127</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Boo Seungkwan was depressed and has been dealing with depression on his own. . <br/>I suck at summarizing</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sad boy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's kinda a mess but I tried and it's also my first fan fiction.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From the outside everything looked perfect. Boo seungkwan was in a successful group who had the most amazing fans. He was doing well on shows. Seventeen had just made their Japanese comeback with 'fallin flower'. Things should be amazing.</p><p>But they were very much not. Seungkwan didn't know why nothing was going the way it should. No one even noticed.<br/>
~~<br/>
A loud alarm went off and woke him from a restless sleep. Groaning he looked up and it was Chan's alarm. Of course the perfect maknae gets up early to go for a run or whatever he does waking up this early. He wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep so Seungkwan rolled out of bed stretching before gathering his things to take a shower. </p><p>Locking the bathroom door and sighing he slid down the wall to the floor. </p><p>Why do I feel so empty and useless? </p><p>He rubbed his hands over his face. A shower should fix this right. Maybe it was from the lake of sleep last night. Standing back up he stripped off his pjs and stepped into the shower turning on a hot shower. He just let the water run over him. The hot water scolded his skin turning the soft white into an angry red. It hurt but it's the most he's felt for some time now. </p><p>A thought clicked in his mind. He turned off the shower and stepped into the steamy bathroom. He opened the small cabinet under the sink and dug around until he found what he was looking for. A box of razors. He knew this wasn't a smart idea but it didn't stop him from holding a razor and sitting on the side of the tub. Knowing his members he can't do it somewhere someone might see. He held the razor up to the side of his ribs. A small laugh bubbled out of him. Was he really thinking about this? Taking a deep breath he pushed the edge of the blade into his skin. It was cold and hurt. For a split second he just held it there before dragging it for a few centimeters across. Small drops of blood bloomed from the cut. He exhaled a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He cleaned up and hurried back to his room.<br/>
~~<br/>
Practice today was normal to say the least. Seungkwan put on a smile and laughed and joked with the members. As the day neared an end Soonyoung suggested everyone go get dinner and end practice. He was hungry but the urge to cut again was creeping back up.</p><p>"Are you alright kwanie?", Seungcheol asked softly. Pulling seungkwan back to the present moment. </p><p>"Ah yeah, just tired is all. I think I'm going to go home and go to bed. Don't worry tho I'll find food myself I just need sleep." He replied with a soft smile gently nudging the older. Seungcheol didn't look convinced but nodded nonetheless and gave the young a soft pat on the back. </p><p>"Ok kwanie I'll check on you when the rest of us get back." Nodding Seungkwan left and went back to the dorm.<br/>
~~<br/>
He found himself in the bathroom on the side of the tub again. Holding the razor again. He hesitated, maybe he should tell one of his hyungs about his feelings lately. Shaking his head he quickly pushed the thought away. He didn't want to go on a hiatus. Taking a deep breath he quickly made a cut above the one from this morning. This one was slightly deeper and the drops of blood rolled down his white skin. The contrast of the red on the white was beautiful. A beauty that few could understand. Taking another shaky breath he continued to make cuts across his ribs. Some were barely more then small scratched others were deeper and blood flowed slowly down his torso. Putting the razor on the sink he grabbed his phone. He took a picture of the cuts and blood to keep the memory. He also checked the time. The members could return and any moment. Quickly he cleaned up the mess and went to his room.<br/>
~~<br/>
The rest of the members made their way home. Seungcheol was tired but went upstairs to check on Seungkwan. Quietly walking into his shared room Chan gave the leader a confused look. Cheol put a finger to his mouth and pointed to Sungkwans bed. Chan nodded but was still confused and the leader walked over to his bed. He sat on the edge and brushed away the hair on Kwan's forehead. He looked peaceful in his sleep. Gently the leader fixed his blankets before departing the room. He hope's everything is ok and today was an off day, thankfully tomorrow is a free day Seungcheol can use this time to keep an eye on his dongsaeng.<br/>
~~<br/>
Morning came to quickly for Seungkwan, his toros and ribs hurt from the cuts. Thank god it was a free day or he felt like dance practice would make the cuts reopen and bleed. Next time he shouldn't do as many he can't risk the members finding out. He laid in bed debating if it was worth it to get out of bed. It's not like he could go eat breakfast not with how he had been eating the past few weeks he needs to lose the weight he put back on. </p><p>Seungkwan made his way into the living room and plopped down on the couch next to Soonyoung. Who looked just as tired as seungkwan felt.</p><p>"Good morning." Seungkwan grumbled out trying to sound happy. Soonyoung looked over and smiled, laying his head on the younger's shoulder. Seungkwan stiffened he has been physically distancing himself from his members for the past few days trying to make sure they don't find out. </p><p>"What's wrong kwanie, you haven't been acting yourself for the past while are you ok do you want to talk about it?" Soonyoung asked with concern in his voice. Seungkwan pulled away from the older.</p><p>"I'm fine nothings wrong. Maybe you're the one with something wrong." He snaps back. Standing up quickly, he walked to the front door, grabbed a pair of shoes and jacket and left before even putting them on. </p><p>"What was that hyung?" Chan asks, walking towards the couch to sit with Soonyoung.</p><p>"I'm not sure." He admits.</p><p>"Should we tell Seungcheol hyung or maybe Jisoo hyung they might be able to help?" Chan asked softly. Soonyoung nods</p><p>"Let's do that" he answers and leaves for the down stairs dorm.<br/>
~~<br/>
Seungkwan stops at the bottom floor of the apartments and pulls the shoes on and jacket on. He just walks with no particular destination in mind. He just walks. A coffee sounds nice but he left his wallet at home in his rush. He finds a park and takes a seat on the bench. Checking his phone he sees several messages from his members. He doesn't bother reading them so maybe he should go back to the dorms but he doesn't want to deal with his members hovering over him. He's getting to a place where he's gaining control. Cutting has made him feel in control again. Standing back up he continues walking.<br/>
~~<br/>
Soonyoung and Chan walk into the 6th floor dorm and see Seungcheol and Jeonghan on the couch mindlessly on their phones. Jeonghan looks up and gives them a smile. </p><p>"This looks like trouble." He says teasing slightly. His smile drops when they don't say anything for a moment. Before he could question what the issue was they responded.</p><p>"We're here cause we're worried about Seungkwan." Soonyoung says softly.  Seungcheol looks up from his phone. </p><p>"What happened is he ok. Did you find out what's been going on?" Seungcheol rapidly asks much louder than he ment. Jeonghan grabs his hand and looks between the 3 boys in. </p><p>"What do you mean what's been going on with him?" Jeonghan asks not being able to hide the slight fear in his voice. </p><p>"I'm not sure what you guys have noticed or whatever but he came out of his room this morning and all I had done was ask if he was ok and how he was and he snapped at me then ran out of the house." Soonyoung says quickly, looking down at his feet trying to stay calm. Seungcheol stands up quickly startling the other 3. </p><p>"Where is he?" He asks quietly. Anger radiating off him.</p><p>"We don't know that's why we came to you hyung." Chan says, grabbing Sooyoung's hand. Seungcheol took a deep breath calming down. He nodded before turning to Jeonghan.</p><p>"Can you message him or call him try and get in contact? I'm going to go and try to find him." He says softly and gives the younger a comforting pat on the shoulder before leaving.</p><p>"You try and contact him too." Jeonghan orders softly.<br/>
~~<br/>
Seungkwan's head feels clearer after the walk. He can tell he's been gone for at least an hour or more. The hot afternoon sun shining down on him. Considering it's been a while he decides it's time to return home before they call the cops and report him missing. Walking back the way he went takes less time than when he was wandering the streets. Before he even realizes it he's back at the park he took a small brake at when he first left. He also notices his leader. There's no way to hide from him. Seungcheol runs over and grabs the smaller by his shoulders looking at him the anger that was on his face washed away with relief at seeing him. He pulls him into a tight hug. Seungkwan wincies thankful his leader didn't seem to notice he just held on likening he didnt the young man would just evaporate.</p><p>"Um hyung people are looking at us. Can you let go and let me breathe so we can go home." Seungkwan asks quietly tapping on Seungcheol's shoulder. He gives him last squeeze before letting go and casually drapes his arm around the small man's shoulders. Seungcheol thinks he's lost a considerable amount of weight he hadn't noticed before but seungkwan feels almost frail. He puts that thought away as they walk just happy to have him safe.<br/>
~~<br/>
They returned to the dorms and seungkwan was nearly tackled to the ground. The surprise attack pulse the hit to the ribs made him cough. It was soonyoung to nearly take the younger man down. Seungkwan chuckled.</p><p>"Hyung, calm down let me breath." Soonyoung let the younger one go but held on to his hand.</p><p>"I'm sorry for upsetting you this morning," Soonyoung said, rubbing the back of the younger's hand.</p><p>"It's fine hyung." He put on his best smile. "I'm gonna go take a shower now then." He pulls his hand free and hurys to the bathroom. Quickly locking the door he pulls his shirt up too see his scabbed over cuts bleeding again. Fuck thankfully you couldn't see any blood on his shirt they shouldn't have noticed. Sighing, he digs through the cabinet and finds the razor. He turns on the shower but doesn't get in, instead leaning on the wall he digs the edge of the blade into his side and bite his lip to prevent him from crying out in pain. It hurt but felt good he calmed down. He pulls it across his skin a few more times before putting back in his hiding place and finally getting in the shower. The crimson from his blood mixing with the water and flowing down the drain look surprisingly pretty. He wishes he could take a picture. He turns the heat up to the max letting the heat burn his skin slightly. He stands in the heat of the water for a moment more before  turning off the water and stepping out of the shower. Toweling off he grabbed his dirty shirt and pulled it back on and wrapped the towel around his waist he retreated to his room. Before he got there seungcheol stopped him by putting his arm around his midsection hitting the bottom of where the cuts were<br/>
Seungkwan gasped in pain. This time seungcheol noticed. </p><p>"Kwanie what's wrong?" Seungcheol asks with such concern and love in his voice. It breaks seungkwan's heart.</p><p>"Nothing hyung just tired." He flashed a cute smile. </p><p>"Cut the bullshit kwanie." He said with a hard edge to his voice. </p><p>"I'm not bullshiting you hyung." He replies with the same harsh tone. "Just let me go to bed." He pulled Seungcheol's arm off him and angrily went to his room and slammed the door shut. Seungcheol gave up exasperatedly and went back down to his room. </p><p>"Hyung everything alright?" Chan asked carefully. Seungkwan walked over and patted the younger's head.</p><p>"Yeah chanie everything is fine." He gave the younger a soft tired smile, and went to bed.<br/>
~~<br/>
Seungcheol stormed into the down stairs dorm. He was pissed and if he was honest wasn't even so sure the reason himself. He needed to rant. The first person that came to mine was Jeonghan but he was upstairs. He went to the second person on his mind, Jisoo. Walking into the Americans room and closing the door harder then needed he flopped down next to Jisoo. </p><p>"Hyung what's wrong." Jisoo asked, rubbing the elders arm.</p><p>"I'm just so done with him I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried the soft approach to even more extreme but he wont tell me what's wrong he wont let me help. I just want to help him. I can tell something is wrong." Seungcheol took a deep breath and wiped his eyes, getting the tears that were forming off. "I just want to help him," he said sadly.</p><p>"Hyung. Who are you talking about? I haven't noticed anyone acting differently." Jisoo said softly, he wasn't used to seeing his leader so hurt. Seungcheol took a deep breath. </p><p>"Seungkwan. I can recognize the signs from myself. He's more withdrawn and barely noticable if you don't know what to look for as well as he's been losing weight rather fast. Too fast.." he stops before continuing "what if it's my fault he's so sad" he asks to the air not to Jisoo. </p><p>"Seungcheol I think he'll be ok. Maybe he just needs some time and he'll come to you or Jeonghan or a different member. You just need to let him know you're there for him." He offered sincerely. Seungcheol nodded and stood up. He bid his member goodbye and retreated to his room for bed. It's been a long day.<br/>
~~<br/>
Seungkwan seems to be doing better even though according to Seungcheol he's engaging more and acting more like his bubbly self. No one would have known he was planning to end it all. After an interview the members had finished seungkwan suggested a group dinner. They all agreed it's been too long since he joined them for dinner.</p><p>They arrived at a BBQ house and got seated at a table that was several tables together. </p><p>"A toast to seventeen." Seungkwan happily said, raising a glass of suju. The members cheered. And drank and ate. A hand found Seungkwan's he looked over to see it was none other than his leader. </p><p>"I'm glad to see you be more yourself." The older said gripping tightly to Seungkwan's hand, smiling softly. The younger just nodded.<br/>
~~<br/>
They returned to the dorms quite late, several of them drunkenly walked to bed before crashing. Seungkwan was only slightly buzzed. He thought this would be the perfect time to end everything he'd been such a burden to his members for the past 8 or so years. He felt he could never live up to the name seventeen. Wandering the dorm he finally found the courage to go to the bathroom. He grabbed the razor and sat in the tub in his boxers gently rubbing the edge over his thighs and arms. He looked up the best way to do this quickly. He took the blade and pushed it deeply into his inner thigh dragging it where the vain should lie. Then his other leg. Well he was still strong enough then took his non dominant hand with the blade and dragged from his inner elbow down his wrist. He tried to do the same to his other hand but was already feeling weak. He had refused to look at the wounds until this point and saw a sickly sight of the dark blood flowing down his legs and arm pooling in the bottom of the tub. Slowly he started to see black before he slumped against the wall and passed out completely.<br/>
~~<br/>
Chan woke up needing to pee and padded sofly to the bathroom to find it locked. Which wasn't too strange. He knocked softly.</p><p>"Hyung I need to pee let me in." He said he was sleepy. After no response he knocked again louder. "Hyung!" He repeated loudly. Still no response. He was now fully alert and ran back to his room and flipped on the light to see Seungkwan's bed empty. Jun was sound asleep on his bed. He ran over stepping on the edge if the bottom bunk to wake the sleeping man. </p><p>"Hyung wake up I think something's wrong." He panicked. As the man began to wake. "I think something is wrong with Seungkwan Hyung. He never came to bed." He said before getting down from the edge of the bed. Jun followed chan to the bathroom. And began knocking loudly. Yet no response. Chan found a chopstick and used it to open the door. </p><p>The scene he found looked to be out of a movie. Chan screamed loudly, alerting other members as he ran out of the bathroom to Jeonghan's room. </p><p>"Hyung you need to call the cops." He said, shaking the older man a wake as he cried hysterically. </p><p>Jun stayed in the bathroom rushing forward to his younger member to better assess the situation. He grabbed a towel and put pressure on his legs. Jun was crying as Jeonghan ran into the room on the phone with the cops. He cried, dropped the phone and ran to help keep pressure on seungkwan's arm. </p><p>Chan ran down to the bottom floor dorm and rushed to Seungcheol's room. He was crying less historically as he shook his leader awake. </p><p>"Come help," he cried, dragging him up. Seungcheol quickly rose and could tell something was dire; he ran up the stairs to the upper dorm. Rushing in he found the scene in the bathroom. </p><p>"Seungkwan!" He cried and pushed his way next to him gently grabbing his face. The young man groaned softly. He grabbed the towel from Jeonghan and took over for him. Jeonghan retreated slightly and picked up the phone finding it still connected with the police. </p><p>EMTs and other first responders arrived within minutes taking over from Jun and seungcheol. And rushing him to the ambulance. Seungcheol refused to leave the younger's side.<br/>
~~<br/>
Seungkwan was out of surgery and in a private hospital room. It was cold and the lights were off. He slowly opened his eyes. What was going on this wasn't supposed to happen. He tried to sit up but was stopped by the pain in his whole body. Looking around the room he saw Seungcheol on a chair next to the bed. </p><p>"Hyung" seungkwan choked out as he started crying. The older woke up and quickly moved next to the younger. </p><p>"It's ok it's ok." He said calmly comforting the younger. He gently pushed Seungkwan's bangs out of his face and gently stroked his cheek and face gently. "I don't know why you did that but I'm not mad I'm just so worried about you, you should have some to me or another member." He said choking slightly on his words slwolloing a lump in his throat. Seungkwan couldn't respond, he just cried hugging the older member. They stayed like that until Jeonghan and Jisoo came in.</p><p>"We brought coffee," Jeonghan beamed trying to lighten the mood. </p><p>"Thanks," he said shyly. "Sorry." He whispered hugging his 3 hyungs as best he could with how weak he felt. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what i was going through." He started crying again. The others didn't say anything just held seungkwan.<br/>
~~<br/>
Epilogue<br/>
Sewungkwan Went on hiatus and started going to therapy. He was genuinely getting happier and more open whis his members about his feelings. Things were better.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it. Constructive criticism is welcome.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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